Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ducky Dumblen's LiveJournal:

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Monday, May 26th, 2008
4:02 pm	It's funny to me.. I've been going out on this website doing the jigsaw puzzles and every day a new picture is posted. Sometimes people send in things to be posted. On those days the people for the most part put both first and last name out there. So every time i get that I've saved up the name and then googled it. People must not realize how easy it is for others to find them or they just don't care. I'm thinking about doing something with it though. Like send out friendly reminder postcards to people not to do that kind of thing because its to bloody easy to find them. Not to mention they don't only do that they put in what city and state they are from. Or at least State. One of these people is a young female college student. I would be scared to put that much info out for just -anyone- to come across. Then again i've watched 12 yr olds and younger pour out all this info about themselves in an open chatroom. I mean they're so young. Why are kids doing that? All it takes is a few words plugged into Google and you can find them. Sometimes you can pull up class photos and garbage or you find they have myspace and zing, pictures, address anything everything... Anyway. I know i have a good deal of information out on myself to. I've been getting rid of some of it here and there. I just wish people would be more careful with themselves. I've got to wonder though how much it would freak people out completely if they got some random postcard from a stranger saying that stuff XD. We finally told Mum that we're pretty sure we're pregnant. She still is driving me nuts but at least now she knows. Also she's now like shoving money at us to take care of ourselves. She's also talking about coming out soon to help take clean up and fix the house up. I'm not really sure how nice it will be to have her here but it will be nice to see my mum its been a few months. But she's goign to help me move out boxes and what not and see what needs to be sold and given away. What needs to be reboxed and probably help me look at houses and beds and couches and blah blah blah x_x... so much going on. Anyways lifes crazy. Lifes going strong. I can't wait for another month or so to go by. My back hurting and standing up for very long is a killer. Also I had a really bad day on Sunday which wasn't fun. It wasn't bad emotionally it was bad physically. I hate it when I don't sleep well (blame the bad storms... had 10+ counties under tornado warning all yesterday) Every night just lots of storms. So getting up for mass was out of the question. Evening mass was hard though even after spending the whole day resting. I've been a little out of breath again and that always makes me nervous. Anyways doing better today after sleeping hard last night and sleeping in a whole hour! Just for those who might want a good laugh. I needed it so sat all day to download the stuff off of dial up ^_^. http://youtube.com/watch?v=fn09eBE_mA8&feature=related http://youtube.com/watch?v=T3toV5m1obQ Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 22nd, 2008
12:30 pm	What is it with humans? It's infuriating. Oh look its a tree. Lets Cut it Down!!!! ::Grumbles:: Oh no its going to take the value of your home down because its a tree! That tree is like the tree in my front yard. That tree was there first! Leave it the HECK ALONE! I don't care if your house came first even. Its a living creature you IDIOTS! And you know what?? It HURTS when you hack them down for no reason. I Hate! waking up to your destruction. ::Sighs:: It hurts. It really does. The last time they cut out a tree i could hear it screaming. If you don't believe thats fine. But i can hear it. Nothing is worse than listening to a tree in complete pain like that. It sounds the same as a person screaming because you're taking it apart limb by limb. Talking about cutting it down makes a tree upset and they'll keep me awake at all hours or wake me up early because they start worrying the same as a person. If you don't want to hear that then what is so wrong with having a tree in your front yard? The worry is that a branch will fall and land in your house! or they'll take the cable lines down! So what? They clean our air, they don't harm us, they give us shade. Our neighbors have taken out every tree around their house now but maybe one... two very old trees just hacked down without thought. Your cable isn't that important people. The only time it might happen is if there is a bad storm. You know what if there is a storm bad enough to yank or tear up these old trees... What do you think would be left of your house without them anyways? They do block the wind you know. People are selfish. Think about your kids. Not yourself. If you all cut down your trees because you don't like the way they look... Whats going to happen to your children? In a world missing in trees, the air is not as clean. The winds blow right through around here with serious force. Enough to rip off roofs last weekend. There will be no climbing trees or watching the squirrels. What about the bluejays you have already kicked out of this area because you cut down their tree? Will they have a place to live? They live here to! My anal neighbor probably hates us. We do not take care of our yard... You know why? We let the trees grow where they wish (okay as long as they don't have thorns the size of your arm x_x) The trees have ate our fence line and we like it. The honeysuckle has taken one whole side of our acre lot. It's beatiful. And here you come to hack it all out. You cleared out one side of our fence because you didn't like it. BACK OFF! We don't weed because weeds are beatiful and you know what a lot of them have medicinal usages that i'd rather not use if the world goes to hell. I want my children to be able to go pick flipping dandelions! You know i wish i could tell the trees to grow faster because then I might not have to see you. I might not have to HEAR you. Yeah trees are a great sound blocker too. Not like we don't have two main roads right next to our houses. I'd rather not have to listen all day and night to the roads. Not to mention young teens around here are stupid and drive like maniacs. What happens when one loses control or drives drunk and puts their car through your house instead of into the tree that was infront of your home? The last tree they cut out they complained because it dropped seed pods! OMGosh! It's a seed pod! We're all going to DIE! Brooms work moron. And when i was a kid they were the coolest thing to play with. The seed pods get really really long and you can let them dry and use them as rattles. We used to play with them all the time. It was fun!... Maybe thats it they don't like their kids and don't want them to have fun but to sit and stare at a t.v. or computer monitor. Okay i've calmed down. I've just spent all this morning being very painfully ill. why do people not care anymore? I've calmed down at least but it's still so frustrating. On a nicer note. Andrew made last night really nice. All the things I'd been really twitchy about he went and fixed and made everything really nice. He made me a really wonderful dinner. He had to redo it once x_x; he hadn't asked me how i wanted something made he had just done it and it wasn't at all how i liked it. So after crying about not wanting to complain because i knew how hard he'd tried he went and remade things. Was 'vedy vedy' yummy. Even though he messed up the crepes the second time it was still really tastey and the chicken he made was wonderful! ::does a little dance:: And he did it all for me! He just had a cheap pizza and made everything for me. Made me so ecstaticly happy. I know i don't always complitment him enough so tonight i'm going to thank him again and give him some good rest tonight. Mum let me know that she went shopping for a friends baby yesterday. And how she knows now where to shop but.. you know.. not yet. Oh and again how bad it is of me to want new clothes for our first and not just hand me downs. She really doesn't understand. I want to have a lot of children. If we get new now then they have the possibility of making it through a few of them. Other people get a lot of new stuff. Why can't I? Not like I'd ever have a baby shower or anything. Who would through it for me? I know I haven't really come out and said it but Andrew and I have figured we are. It's becoming more apparent. One day i'll think that we are and admit it the next i refuse to have anything to do with even the idea of being or becoming pregnant. But, my belly button ran away heh. It's a lot smaller than it should be. My waist has moved out to the point that even big chubby me barely has a waist line. I just have gotten to the point of really not being able to sleep on my stomach without being really uncomfortable. Which is terrible. I wish i wasn't a stomach sleeper. It makes it so hard to sleep at night. Andrew bought me a shirt way back when in hopes this year. I want to get a picture of it but i keep pushing it off. Maybe later this week... There is more to say but, i kind of don't want to because even though i think we are it's still really hard to say and talk about. I always keep thinking that there must be some reason or excuse about it all. If only i could get the stupid tests to come back positive. I really can't believe that all this time we haven't had it come back. I really dislike my body. Maybe i'm just insane and have bloaty stomach issues or something. I have an excuse for everything. Current Mood: Poor Trees (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008
12:35 pm	Mum let me know she had another dream about me having kids. Bleh. And then made another comment about how in her dream i was riding in the car without a car seat for the baby. Then she made the comment (Look you're being a bad parent already :) ) ... yeah thats something to smile and laugh about isn't it? I know i shouldn't be so sensitive but. Bleh. She also let me know that when she was having me she never had this many dreams. I told Andrew that he needs to just talk to her because i'll just want to strangle her. But he doesn't want to so I guess I'm just back to being on my own again. There are times my husband really makes me feel alone. I've asked him every day for just something smile a reminder that i need to know he loves me. Every night he's done the exact opposite. Or just completely forgets. I asked him to buy me something small at the store for me just something to nibble on. And he comes back with stuff for him. I asked for a special dinner just for me and he forgets for over a week and then just makes something the same for us twice trying to say that what i'm getting is special when it isn't. Vaccuum the rug, take a branch down from a tree... none of it. Yet I'm getting up and helping around the house and doing things that he forgets and doesn't say thank you or anything. Then he starts kind of acting like its just expected. I end up feeling like everyone needs me to take care of them so I don't get anything. I've also been helping with dinner so its not like he's really going above and beyond for me. I even mention looking at stuff at the store he freaks. He won't even take the time to take care of himself and go buy his medication because its so expensive and he doesn't want to spend the money. Also, I wish the world wasn't going crazy. I wish that true war wasn't coming. I wish that we weren't going to lose so many this year. I'm just glad that all the family loses for us came last year and not this year. It makes it easier to be there for people now instead of having to worry about us. Though there is still a lot left to this year and Andrews Granny's health has been slowly heading downhill. I really want to meet her before she goes though. I've had two friends lose mothers. Another friend of mine has lost an uncle, a brother and now her mothers health is declining plus another uncle has brain tumors. Everyone keeps saying this is supposed to be a bad year. I just hope my family was ahead of its time and we can just be there for others. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 17th, 2008
12:14 pm	Mum's called me every day this week. But now she's done calling for awhile. She's leaving this weekend to go to nashville. Her group is doing home 'enthronements'. It's a religious thing. It's a big deal to her. But last night she called and started in with her attitude again. She basically let me know there is no reason for me to get maternity clothes again when that time comes. And that if i want them its just a frivolous. That i need to settle with handme downs and that instead of going someplace to buy and complaining about how i'm struggling with sizes i just need to go to garage sales instead. Then at least if i start walking around I can lose the weight right? Then with all our priests being shifted around here for the year... I was telling her I didn't recognize the picture of the priest we're getting here. She told me I should and I said i thought i might know him but i wasn't sure. And she went on to tell me well i would know him from back when I was a teen and well i just didn't pay attention to things then. My jaw just kind of hit the floor. I told her I did pay attention and she made one of those wonderful disapproval sounds and went back on to say that i didn't. I know i complain about her a lot out here... I just don't know what else to do. I don't understand what I've done to her. What I did to make her act like this towards me. Nothing I do or say is good enough. I asked her the other day if she was unhappy where she is in life. She went on to say that she was happy and content and that everything was going great. So if everythings going great why do I just seem like the biggest pain in her life? I'm trying to watch what I eat and get the yeast issues under control so we can have kids. And Andrew goes out last night and buys junk food. Oreos and garbage... it made me so unhappy. I told him over and over that it wasn't what I wanted! I'm trying to improve not gain more weight. I don't know how i've managed it. I'm not eating as much as I used to. I'm eating better. I'm exercising by going out for walks with andrew every other night and i've gained more weight. It seems like every time I cut back on how much I eat my weight goes through the roof. Not to mention every single time i eat or drink anything. Or don't eat something... I get bloated and sick. Yesterday I was back to trying to throw up from not eating and having my stomach try to eat itself I swear. my belly button feels weird.... Current Mood: indifferent (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 15th, 2008
5:10 pm	I -hate- stupid people... I was supposed to go over to orientation today right? Well guess not. We had discussed with them how Andrew and I wanted Sunday off. Only Sunday we could care less about the rest of the week. Everyone thought that was fine. At least for Andrew. Toss me in the pot and then they say... No no we need the two of us to work saturday sunday every other week. We really didn't agree with that. So we said you know you just want two days off mostly for weekend fun. Okay, so take Friday Saturday off instead and we get our sunday! Everyone agreed... Now... It's not good enough. Instead one gal will get friday-saturday off. And -I- have to work every other sunday evening... WTF how do you agree to something then turn around and say no? It makes me want to yank all my hair out. They won't all just get around and talk about it. But if we phone them and call then its just fine they agree to everything. But then they drop in and randomly say no?? And now whats even more frustrating is Andrew and I had a screaming fight with one another over all this crap. And guess what now. Turns out that also they might start making him work sunday because there is only three of them to cover it anyways! I know everyone always says this, but i'm sick of having to roll over and take it for people. I understand if there is -no one- else to cover it or someone calls in sick. I would cover a sunday then. But why should I have to work it when we can work around it? She wants sunday off for family gatherings and maybe for church reasons (but she's let us know she can go on wed.)... We can't really make it to mass unless we get up at the crack of dawn and run around like loonies to make it back into this town for work. ::Sighs:: Mum decided that she'd send me an e-mail today. Which only added to everything. She let me know that overweight pregnant women shouldn't gain weight. And that they don't need maternity clothing. They just need to go up a size in clothing. Or that they need to buy men plus size shirts and sweats. Mum has let me know over and over one day soon we'll get pregnant. We'll get a positive test and then I'll probably never show until i'm like 7 months or futher. Oh and by the way sweetie when are you losing the weight? How much weight have you lost?... Its like, woman i know i'm fat. Thank you for reminding me every day that I'm fat. The depression just kicked in over gear this morning. my stomach hurts. The doctors called and are now unhappy about Andrew. Thankfully they filled his prescrip but when the insurance kicks in he has to go see the doctor or they won't keep filling it. Not to mention the fact that the doctor is already booking up for about 3 months out. I feel completely worthless. And like crap for shouting at Andrew over stupid things. Why am I such an idiot? I'm the true stupid person I hate. I want to lose the weight. I want to have kids damn it. I want to stop just having to take everyones crap. I want to stop stressing over what its goign to be like to have to deal with the fact that our parish is losing all its priests and we're getting in three new ones. What all am I going to have to go through with them as well? ::Yanks out her hair:: I just want to sit with a big glass of vodka and some benedryl and just sleep for a month. And now if I hadn't just been shitty to everyone and just gone along with things we could have worked it out right? We could have had fri-sat one week and then sunday monday the next or something. Ugh why am i so crap at life? Not to mention that but because i got over emotional I made andrew late for work. Current Mood: Screaming Mad at Myself Current Music: Alicia Keys- No One (Comment on this)
1:52 pm	My Mother is getting to the point of just being mean. Does anyone else wonder why i was depressed when i was growing up? When she gets unhappy i swear she just picks on me. And i'm sensitive enough that even if she didn't really mean it in "that way" i'd still hurt from it. So then that makes it my fault right? Urgh. I think until my brain balances itself out i'm just not going to talk to her about .. anything. Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
11:49 am	Mum decided to remind me of more bleh things. but we got to talk about some things in general without me getting completely bent out of shape about things. She was in a decent mood I like it when she's like that she listens better. Also tomorrow i have Orientation at Andrews work... They want me! x_x i'm so ready to have a panic attack over it. I don't know what the heck i'm doing in a kitchen he has more faith in me than I do. So good luck to me tomorrow! Current Mood: crazy (Comment on this)
Monday, May 12th, 2008
12:54 pm	I don't really have much to say. I didn't want to post at first but I guess I will. I remembered that I had decided to post the ticker up every monday or first day of the week for me. Just one of those hopeful things that makes me wish time would go faster. And its probably all in my head anyways. The reason I didn't want to post though was because the only things I really have to say are all gripes about my mother. I know by now I should be able to ignore her and the things she says. I have tried just tuning her out while I'm on the phone with her but I love my mother so much. I just wish she could understand that what she says is so flipping hurtful. She let me know yesterday that the whole problem I have is because I'm over weight. And that if I want to have kids I need to start cranking off the pounds right now. I reminded her that I had lost weight... She was like... Well I know you've lost -some- weight but you need to lose more now. She is just so pushy that everything in the world can be fixed by me shedding all the pounds right now. She complains about how she's not losing weight and she's addicted to pop and this that and the other and she's not doing anything about it. But for me she was ordering me to walk jump around do anything and everything. It makes me want to scream at her. She doesn't stop to realise that it really hurts. Then I told her I had an offer from a good friend that if we did get pregnant that she would be more than happy to try and make maternity clothes for me she loves to sew. She knows i'm a big gal and that i've glanced through some of the maternity stuff and that its all twiggy sizes. Mother got irritated with me almost like I was trying to replace her. She then reminded me that she had bought a sewing machine and blah blah blah. You know what Mom! You said you were going to make something for my birthday. You never finished it. You said then you'd make it for easter. Guess what! you never finished it! Yet you go and make all these flipping baby blankets for every single family you even know that has a child! How the Hell am I supposed to feel about that? You know... honestly I haven't cared about it. The only reason it even hurts is because she won't finish projects for me. Someone else though thats another story. It's so hard. After conversations with mother anymore its hard not to just sit and cry. Or to go in the other room and sit with Andrew quietly until I start screaming at him for just looking at me. these are really the reasons why i never want to tell her we are. I mean... I don't know if I've mentioned it but I'm going to say it again or now. It still bothers me every day that when mom was here she poked me in the stomach and asked me if there was a baby in there or if i was just bloated or if i'd gained weight. Then I told her we weren't and she just did the "yeah I figured"... ::sighs:: i think i've run out of steam now. I just get so tired of it. I try to get off the phone with her and she just keeps dragging it out and dragging it out. Sometimes i just want to hang up and run away. That never stops her though that only makes her call more. All she does is complain and then when I have a day I want to talk about stuff she gets huffy with me. The other day I finally just said everything i wanted to then said I had to go. She sounded frustrated with me and sounded even happier to get me off the phone. At church they gave a lovely prayer and reading about all the things Mums do and how they should be and things they should strive for. I just sat there and realised my mum does almost none of those things and gets angry at me for doing them because it makes me seem like i'm trying to be holier than thou. anytime I refuse to lie for her or anything she thinks that though... Anyways on another note. I had to give in and buy new clothes. I gained my weight back (about 15 lbs) now. And I'm having to go up to bigger sizes. We bought a new bra but its already getting to be to tight-ish. I went up a size in underpants because the waist-band was digging in. They fit okay but honestly I'm worried about the waistband getting to tight and digging in. I need my normal pants just with a bigger waist. I'm just waiting for the day we tell mom we might be pregnant or I say the wrong thing and she assumes and she just starts shouting at me about not being able to get to the doctor. Bleh, anyways my body has been doing some odd things lately and my waist feels like its changed and I still worry its all in my head. I figure it is. It makes me ache so much to feel so insane like this. Lately, I've been spending a lot of time just getting unhappy and crawling into the tub for some piece and quiet. I wish we had a shower... Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Sevendust (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 8th, 2008
6:26 pm	Okay so this morning was an interesting affair. Andrew's work got the word that there was someone doing a fun shooting spree through our town. So Andrew drug me to work this morning while they went on lock down. The police got called and it turns out there was nothing going on just people wanting everyone to panic or something? Anyways back home and just chilling. But i wish i could have gotten a nap! I'm tired after yesterday. I went to work with Andrew all day and it really wore me out. Good endurance test. i just wish it had been easier to get to sleep last night. It took me forever to drift off and i woke up three times. I'm really getting to a point that the sleeping on the stomach once and awhile worked but its starting to get to a not working at all phase. I'm tired of waking up at all hours and being unable to just go back to sleep. I can't stand to that every day Andrew gets up for work so do I. I'm so tired from it. And I guess by the end of today or so we'll find out what they want to do about giving me a job over there. They had to go and check up with HR and everything to make sure that it was okay for a married couple to be working together. I get so sick of there being -so- many places that won't allow married couples to work with one another. The stupid computer has been crashing like no tomorrow. Andrews working the later shift and then we have to go shopping for food. Bleh bleh bleh. I'm really just bleh. I've been having a lot of problems with my head ending up all over the place. One minute i'm ready to cry the next i'm wanting to rant someones ear off. I'm a lot happier than I have been in awhile but i'm still struggling. Its more my own fault right now than like Andrew and me fighting at least. I talked to my mum some today. But she just kind of blows off what i'm trying to say. Not like i really know what to say anymore. Well since its been like almost two months now for me i've taken a home test and gotten a negative. Not like that really says much i've never gotten anything else but a negative. Even in the times andrew and I have been pregnant it never came back positive. Anyways, beyond that i've started having some issues with swelling up and getting puffy. My rings were tight and hard to get off today and yesterday. It's frustrating to just swell up like a balloon and my face and lips get swollen as well as my hands. I don't know why it happens except that i've been getting a little more active. It's either that or the sleeping issues. my brains just fried and... bleh so i'm going to stop there. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
2:30 pm	Do you ever just have stupid dreams that turn creepy and scary? I had this weird blob monster following me in a dream. I was jerked awake from it just as it started to get really scary by the phone ringing. Which hung up as soon as i grabbed it. And now i have that stupid panicky-twitchy feeling of being followed. I hate that kind of creep you out laughable dream. I have a small rant about my Mothers parenting skills... She loves to remind me of all the things I've done wrong. i swear. She demanded that Andrew and I go to San Antonio when Andrew didn't have a job. And she was going to pay for car rental... thats it. And she knew we didn't have the money. But she kept calling me on the phone and saying "Out of obediance to your mother!" and then if I didn't go it would be a mortal sin against me. We couldn't afford it. So she finally relented and said fine i understand you can't go. Yesterday I talked to my Mother twice and guess what she said both times? She made comments about how these other people from Nashville made it to San Antonio and Atlanta. "You know the one -you- didn't go to"... what makes me unhappy is she had agreed that it was okay that we didn't go. She said we weren't trying hard enough and that if we really wanted to go we'd find a way. Not to mention I get car sick.. and riding in cars makes me tired and achey. And that we have 3 dogs that we can't just leave behind for a week. She just keeps rubbing it in. She doesn't even care how it makes me feel I think. She goes off at me about things and then turns around and does it. It's just hard because she can compare me to whoever she wants but if I do it in my defense then thats just not allowed. I'm tired of it. I'm just tired of this yo-yo garbage and never having my Mam around being nice to me. She complains about work, then tells me about how all these people have these wonderful amazing gifts. And it ends up coming off like she's just letting me know that everyone else is better than me. No matter what I do. I feel like i'm 14 again when she treats me like this. And it was only worse because she had had something to drink. But she had said she would talk to me again later so I had called back. Guess form now on i just need to live my life and let her do her thing. I mean she knows about all these people doing not so nice stuff at work and she does nothing about it just says it has nothing to do with her. I swear I know what someone needs to invent Nag Begone! I'd use it on her and myself XD Anyways so sunday we had andrews party! It was a lot of fun he got two or three books and a really pretty benedictine crucifix. Then we had some live music from some of the kids. One of the families that came all of their kids are in a band together and it was really awesome. They do celtic music and one of their boys went to nationals for the instrument he plays. But they won't make it because its in southern Ireland. Our friends even showed up and we all ate ourselves silly. It was overall a really nice party. My friend who gave the party was showing me that she had made a baby blanket for a friend or cousin of hers. So I asked her to do the same for me since Andrew and I are trying so hard. It was a really beautiful and simple blanket. Maybe I should work really hard and get back into my knitting and things. Stuff like that is so simple. But I'll really like it if she makes us one. It was all rainbowy and just pretty. I don't really have much else to say today. We've been battling storms here. And dogs. And some insomnia. But everything is going good. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Irina- Laya (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
1:33 pm	Okay a very dear friend of mine Aaron decided to join up with the army. He and I had talked about it and whether or not it was a good thing for him. So off he went... Chopping off his hair, the boy used to have hair past his waist and now nothing. Its so strange to see him like that. My boy is growing up and boy do I love him. I miss him a lot to be honest. We didn't always see tons of one another but I always knew that if I was in trouble that I could find him and see him. Now he's off bouncing from colorado to oklahoma. Well he came back home a few weeks ago for everyone to see him. Instead of spending the week with his friends and being able to hang out he got 7 days of bed rest with basically no visitors. The last night before he left he ran out and saw everyone and we got a random call from my friend Karen. We had a book for Aaron that she was keeping because she can keep tabs on the boy (Karen is usually known as Mama Karen). Being a good mother she kept the book at home and demanded that Aaron come to the house to get it. So she ran out to her car and called us here at home. So we snuck over to her house and waited. Aaron strolled in talking away to walked practically right up to me before he really looked up... That boy plowed me over and almost knocked me down flat snatched me up in -the- tightest hug and stayed there for fiveminutes. It was really wonderful to see him. Made my heart just do a little dance to know he was still doing well. I haven't had him just hug me and hold onto me like that for awhile. He's like a son away from a loving mother for way to long. He stayed like that and just rested his head on me and I think for that short while we didn't want to let go. It was really funny i've never had someone hang on me and hold a conversation with someone else O.o;... We finally pried him off me (okay i didn't want to let him go i miss him way to much). Anyways turns out he's got a new girlfriend. This is only like his second or third one He's ever had. So we're all fairly excited for him. We gave him the book we had for him which was a book about the life in olden times japan kind of something or other. He was really happy to have it. He then stopped and looked at me smiled and goes. "Oh by the way guess what!"... Turns out the boy has a metal flipping plate in his head now X_x. So of course karen and Jim were both like Oo Ooo Oooo! Magnets! But turns out its a titanium plate. The offical story is that it happened during PT. But what really happened was they went out drinking, some guy in the bar decided to start going off at Aaron and his army friend. And they started picking on Aaron's friend pretty hard so Aaron told them to back off. Guy went to throw a punch and Aaron caught it then hit the guy in the stomach and sent him to the ground. Well turns out our fist swinger had a buddy. Guy smashed Aaron in the face with a bottle. Aaron turned on the guy hit him twice and sent him as well to the ground. And they were out of the place and running down the street before anyone really had the chance to react. Either way the next day he woke up and someone asked him what ws wrong with his face. Aaron poked his head which he says went "squish squish"... and now he has a plate in his head. I can't believe the kind of trouble he can get into. He's very short guy who can take good care of himself. He's not the sort of person you want to tick off. He's like 5 foot nothin' and worked as a bouncer. Also just to note. Aaron is going to Iraq soon and hopefully everything will go well for him. On a frustrating side note.. My dog came in covered in blood yesterday. She looked like she had massive scratches down her back and her tail was bleeding again. So andrew and I drug her into the bathroom to give her a bath and see how bad it all was and clean them up. After her bath she was clean as a whistle and barely even had a knick on her tail. She had no scratches... That dog makes me paraniod as to what the heck she's been rolling in or eating. I do have to ask a random thing. Do people really think that mocking their children will help them act better? My neighbor walked out this morning revved some unearthly engine from who knows what. Sounds louder than a bad lawnmower. Then his son came out and was crying about something and he started mocking the sounds of his son and kept telling him over and over to stop crying, stop being a baby. Adults don't like being mocked I'm sure he wouldn't think it was funny. So why is it okay to do to your kids? Don't get me wrong we have decent neighbors it was just a very strange wake up call. on a good note. I finally got a decent amount of sleep last night. Woke up several times and took a few hours to get there but i actually slept in for the first time in over a week now. I'm still really tired but its helped to knock back my pain levels. That and andrew sat up with some lotion and just rubbed on me. If someone rubs on my arms and legs it makes me drowsy-ish or if you sit and brush my hair. And i have to have him do that or i really can't get close to sleep and as soon as he stops I start to wake up. But it was wonderful to have him take that time even though he was exhausted. I think I'm going to try and find a way to prop myself up to sleep. My heart just feels like its working over time right now and i'm not really sure why. It just feels like its going to pound out of my chest and it makes me feel just achey all over. And any time my heart beats harder or a little out of it or i breath to deep it makes my ribs hurt which starts the whole bad process of feeling like I can't breathe. Doesn't help either that allergies are gnarly right now. Anyways I've written tons so I'll call it good. Hope tonights little going away party for Monsignor will be nice... And heh i have more room for pictures so I have my hippo up on deck now. The lady cleaning our room in spain fixed the bed then put Mr. Hippo right on top propped against the pillows. Was the cutest thing ever. And Mr. Hippo has traveled well. France, Belgium, Luxemburg, Spain, England, U.S.: in the states he's been to KS, MO, OK, GA and i think Texas. Go my Marvelous Traveling Mr. Hippo. Current Mood: naughty Current Music: Techno song from Super Troopers (Comment on this)
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
8:29 am	Can't sleep even though I'm tired! Then I had bizarre dreams about Gordon Ramsey being Satan ::Giggles:: it was one of those freaky scary but when you wake up very funny dreams. We had a big storm in last night and the new puppy was bonkers. She's a year old and flipping scared of storms. She freaks a new one every single time one comes in ::chuckles quietly:: It's very tiring though and I think the main reason i'm having issues sleeping is i can't sleep comfortably in my normal sleeping position. So I end up tossing and turning a lot. Not trying to just complain just trying to figure out how to sleep that I can feel comfortable, comforted, and not be sleeping on my stomach. Plus my heart has been feeling like its pounding lately. I think my blood pressure must be back up again. Well maybe some of it is the fact that earlier this week Andrew and I played some on the DDR pads XD! It was fun and pretty worth the acheypains for the rest of the week. Tomorrow, Andrew has work. In the evening we are going to a farewell party for Monsignor over at our church. He's moving to Denver to become a Bishop. Its a real shame to have him leave he's the best ever. Really wonderful guy. So we have that to go to. Then Mass either Saturday evening or Sunday morning. And then- Is Andrew's party. Andrew got baptized this year at Easter time. It was actually a lot of fun to go to all the classes and everything with him. Gave us that little extra time together. So a friend of ours that lives here in town decided that since no one (well okay we have no friends) gave Andrew a party for getting baptized that she would throw one. Har, she's like having a new mum. I'm up to three now anyone want a spare ^_^? Either way its really nice and we've envited a few families to come over this sunday to have a BBQ Yay! So andrew talked about taking me to work this afternoon for a little while. He's thinking about introducing me to some of the people over at the assisted living place. It should be fun actually. He says there are some really nice ladies over there and that I should go talk to them and get to know them. If I do that then I can go see my husband at work :) Other wise they won't even let me in the building or to call X_x... They said that even if its an emergency that they'll get a note to him. I think its a little unfair because even if I just went to see my husband I always have a tendancy to stop and meet everyone he's working around and who show up regularly. If that makes sense. Either way I'd go around and meet the people who live in the facility. Well i'll see how I feel anyhow I'd hate to go and then just want to curl up and sleep because There's no way I'm walking home thats a liiittle to far for me! Anyways... I need to stop being such a negative nelly. Which is why its actually been kind of nice to come out and see everyone. It has really cheered me up and made the days go by easier now that andrew is at work. That and me not sleeping ^_^. It makes life feel good not just blah! Okay I think thats the end of the usual stuff. The rest is my usual to much information so if you want to skip on go right ahead. Everything with my body has just been crazy since last year. Taking the clomid really threw me for a loop. It made monthly times not very nice. I ended up hurting a lot more and being uncomfortable. I mean its not a huge deal but we didn't really have any luck the times we used it and I only have like one months left. But at January time i had my last real period. Since then i've just been having weirdness. Feb. time i had really bad bad screaming pain and lots of bleeding that lasted for 3 days then suddenly just stopped. Then in march i had a 'period' but it lasted for maybe 4 days and was really light. Thats not usually how i run. I usually am heavy and last for like 7-9 days. Now nothing... I had been doing really well for over half of last year i was pretty normal and then when i got sick and we started in with all the medication it sent my body for one heck of a loop. And its frustrating because I really did lose some good weight. But now probably from hormone issues or something My bra's don't fit. I need to go up to the next size. Where can I go? Walmart doesn't go big enough. Department stores are so expensive. They barely go into my size anyways and I need something -without- an underwire. since getting sick last year i can't wear one. The pain from the wire is extreme. I think it must be just from having something stiff pressed against me. I can't even sit in metal chairs or solid wood ones. Sitting in a wooden pew every sunday is killer. Anyways, so bra's no fitty. I really can't think of where to go except to check through the department stores again. But you know thats not the only problem I have. I'm having issues with my shirts not fitting so well. I've gone up a size and even those are getting tight-ish. No button ups for me heh. Then the other problem, I guess it must be i'm just putting weight back on in other areas. Or something. I'm going to have to go up a size in underwear i think. Its really frustrating to try and feel good about losing weight then to have to change underwear size up? X_x... I dunna like meh bodeh. I'm just worried my body is trying to do its no cycle so you get to feel pregnant malarchy again. I thought we had somewhat broken that and started to move on to a healthier me. The last month or so i've been insane emotionally. Mother says mean things and i go cry. Andrew says something nice and i start shouting. I do worry sometimes that one day he's going to get up and leave because i go through these frustrations of having such a -hard- time controling my emotions. Not controling but keeping them in check. The last thing I'm having issues with is its really uncomfortable to sleep on my stomach now days. I don't know if i'm just bloaty or what but its uncomfortable sometimes it hurts so as soon as i roll onto my stomach in the middle of the night i roll back over. And sometimes its just not comfy. And my brain just died and I forgot everything. So um... Nevermind! See everyone later heh. Current Mood: dorky Current Music: Serj Tankian- Honking Antelope (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
11:24 am	Hi! I know its been so long hasn't it? I'm really sorry everyone. Andrew ended up leaving his job. And we spent three months together with him without a job. He left because his manager asked him why andrew would want to stay with me. Basically to try and make it explainable he asked my husband why he would stay with a cripple and wouldn't he be happier leaving and having sex with other people. So Andrew walked out. Around January i was finally full time out of the wheelchair. And now later in the year am actually able to walk into stores and around in them for a short while. makes me hellishly tired though. And today my hands hurt already from typing so much to everyone who has said hi to me. My gosh it makes me feel really good to have everyone stop and say hi to me! Anyways i'm off the painkillers and everything and have been taking clomid now. I've had such a weird time on it. They gave me nerve blockers and narcotics and things and when we finally found out that the nerve blocker caused mutations i got off of it as fast as possible. Then slowly pulled myself off the pain killers. I felt more human after I got off all that junk I still have lots of pain and am really tired all the time but i feel better than i did with all the drugs. don't think i'll be able to look at really getting a job or anything nice like that any time soon. But its something. Andrew now has two jobs both are in town. One is cooking for an assisted living center and the other working at the local dillons. He's getting decent pay and in a few months we'll also have health insurance from the assisted living center! Right now we're looking for a new house so we've been house hunting here and there but we can't really find a realtor to help us. And most of the houses around this area are going up so severly in prices that its obsurd. We'll see what will happen. In randomness i spent awhile with some friends learned new things about religion that my mother is now trying to make me -unlearn-. Actually talked to an exorcist on the phone that was different. He was really super nice though. i had a dear friend who's now kind of a mum to me come through and 'cleanse ' our house because of some weird junk that was going on and she put stones down and now my mum is telling me to throw it all out the door when i'm finally feeling safe? Oh and mum has let me know lately all the things i do to screw up. Whats sad is any time i say anything about Andrew thats negative she defends him tooth and nail... But when it comes to me whether its hime complaining or just her she backs it up with a vengance. I really so.. don't want to be like my mother. Heaven help me. Okay so its been forever and i think this post will end up fairly short but anyways. Random last note. I have lost weight. After being ill and everything Andrew got really good about cooking for us and i lost about 50 pounds and have gained some of it back so all in all with the struggles of bouncing back and forth i've lost about 30 pounds and have managed to keep it off. While sick in the hospital i topped out at like 330. I was starving myself because my stomach was rotting out with pain meds and i still kept gaining weight. so now i'm down to about 290 and i bounce around a lot i leveled out actually originally at 280 and gained some back but my weights bouncing a lot so its hard to keep straight so either way i'm still happy to be back under 300 pounds and am planning on working more of it off now that andrew has a proper job and we can have proper food. I really have a goal that by the end of the year to be down to like 250 and keep it off would just be.. WOW you know? i'm just excited about being under 300. I know people must really think i'm huge... either way it makes me happy and now that i'm feeling half way decent Andrew and I are actually getting out for walks here and there. Still about three days in between for me to rest because i hurt so much after though. I thought about writing more but I think in the end for now i just need to keep things quietly to myself. Well anyways something else. Turns out Andrews parents are coming back to the states in October. Fun right? Well odd enough Mum, Andrew, and myself have all had good dreams about something happening in October time. But turns out his parents aren't going to bother to stop in and see us. Everyone keeps saying that October is supposed to be our good month. Guess we'll just have to wait and see. Heh cute little ticker thingies. Thought i'd mess around and play with the different ones you can have. anyways i will probably be around again soon. Current Mood: content Current Music: Serj Tankian (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 26th, 2007
10:23 pm	Hey everyone. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing all right. Haven't wrote in a long time. I'm still wheelchair bound and unknowing in what is causing me pain. Last little while andrew has again had to take off work. I was bed bound for 3 days in screaming pain. I feel sorry for my love. He cried pretty hard... Not much you can do for someone who can't speak. I was either dead quiet and half asleep or screaming my lungs out from the pain this last while. And my doctor was kind enough to forget to fill my pain medication this weekend so im flying solo after a few bad episodes. Last while i've been having these weird episodes of horrible muscle spasms and cramps. it ends up effecting my whole body and makes me very ill. Afterwards this last three days i've been fighting with the fact that after the episodes i swell up everywhere. My skin gets puffy and i just swell up. My face and hands and feet just everything was swollen to high heaven. anyway hopfully this next week i will feel better and get up on my own so Andrew can once again get back to work for a little while. Hope everyone else is doing well. Current Mood: Feeling Better (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 8th, 2007
12:21 am	okay just a little hi. sent one e-mail and that kind of wore me out and talked to my mum on the phone so time to go back to the couch. Just saying hi i'm alive. complaining some because i ended up in the hospital the night of my last post. Spent three nights there and have still been trying to recover from whatever i have. I'm spending my days out in a wheelchair barely can walk on my own. Andrew is on medical leave. No word from the doctors in awhile. They still don't know what i have. if it wasn't for my friends who do craniosacral and reiki i'd still be in screaming pain unable to breathe. so i'm only in screaming pain still. Trying not to take my narcotic painkillers. its been a month so i want off though the pain is bad. And the doctor is trying to get me to a rheumatologist. and get some of my tests results from another test done in the hospital. Lifes not been fun. The hospital was miserable and i had a crappy doctor who refused to care for me. Which just resulted in a second rush to the ER. Yay go illness. Hope everyone is doing all right. Haven't really been able to sit up for much time to read journals. Anyways hands are killing me. Maybe i'll write more in a day or so. Current Mood: sore (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 14th, 2007
10:28 pm	Life just... sucks. I've been having problems breathing. For three days. Its gotten worse and worse. I thought maybe it was just a little cold or something. Then one day it didn't hurt then now its just ten times worse. I can't hold a conversation without having to stop and pant. Walking is worse... three steps stop catch my breath... its either that or i just try and hold my breath. It hurts to breath my lungs twinge and it doesn't matter if i'm breathing in or out it just hurts. And after walking i'm winded so i pant till i feel like i'm going to hyperventilate because i can't get in a full lungful of air without it hurting bad enough i have to cough or it knocks the air back out of me. So we try to get a doctor's appointment. Well he's not in left for the weekened to go to a conference. His P.A.? she's booked. So go to a minor emergency center. So we went. I walk in slowly they find that my heart is beating irregularly. So the nurse (who was a complete wench) starts bossing me around and being generally nasty. I get an EKG just to find that my hearts fine just beating at 103... So they all decided to talk and yammer and tell me its my hearts wrong or off. So they run a blood test to see how its doing. Turns out that i didn't have a 'heart event' and i'm not having a 'heart event' so they don't know whats wrong. So they want x-rays. So i have to say there's a chance i'm pregnant so then came the pregnancy test which came back negative. So we get on with the X-rays. Turns out my heart and lungs are peachy. Nothing wrong to explain why i can't breath. And why i'm getting 100% oxygen but can't breath. So, it turns out... That when i did the preg test they ran other things. So it turned out i had a UTI... that I show no systems for. No fever, no pain, nothing... Doctor basically goes... I have no idea take these drugs. Oh and by the way get to your regular doctor ASAP because we don't know whats wrong with you. All they can do is guess that I have a UTI that might sometime go systemic. So basically if anything goes wrong like an asthma attack or something... i feel like i'm screwed. anything happens to aggitate my lungs i feel like im about to pass out. I can't get in a full breath to cleanse my lungs out so i'm recycling bad air... We're going to try and get to the doctor for more testing. But who knows when that will be. Can i just.. drop dead now? Our main concern is if i'll have to go to the hospital. And where the hell this infection came from since i have no signs. And the only thing that shows i have an infection is the fact that my white blood cell count is through the roof. And why can't I breathe? If it was going to go systemic it would hit my kidneys and things first. And didn't i mention i don't have signs of a UTI? None... Makes me want to scream and cry and get upset but if i do that i can't breath even worse. So i can't get upset. So part of me worries that because its been since feb. 5th that i had anything happen women wise that i've got an infection started there thats just going to kill me or something. But i told the nurse/doctor and he had nothing to say about it. Guess when I get sick i just really get sick. The doctor just laughed he couldn't connect any of the dots and just gave up with a swift nudge saying get to someone else as fast as possible or go to the hospital. Okay now i'm just repeating myself and.. but.. argh... and ... its really sad that just typing is making me winded. or moving in my chair or moving my arms... I hate my life right now... Honestly, seriously... completely. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Rihanna- Umbrella (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 29th, 2007
2:35 am	So... still alive. 'nother family member died. Mum may finally be getting her house sold. She still has no job and may be going for bankruptcy. Lifes going okay. Andrew and I bicker a lot but we manage through. I've been going through a very different spiritual training and learning lately. Life kind of flipped itself upside down. My emotions have been scattered, i'm not feeling 100% but at least half way there. Anyways at least i'm still living. And as an end note to myself and few girlfriends... Negative pregnancy test... 118 days since my last period. haven't had the time or money for the doctor but guess i really ought to think about it. Maybe i'm just not going to have a monthly anymore. Oh and have i mentioned because its been so long my weights out of control like always.I've gained twenty pounds... Its things like this that make my brain want to just... explode. Current Mood: fussy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
3:39 pm	What does your drawing say about YOU? Your friends and associates should generally find you a dependable and trustworthy person. You are a thoughtful and cautious person. You like to think about your method, seeking to pursue your goal in the most effective way. You are creative, mentally active and industrious. You are ambitious and optimistic, determined to prove and advertise yourself. thought that was interesting.. kinda fun. Anyways. list of things going on. Grandfather died. Cousin Joe died. a friends mother that we knew well died. Husband of a dear friend died. haven't been feeling well ... end story. Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)
Monday, March 19th, 2007
2:38 pm	things havent been good mum stayed home for months after gran-pa died. she just returned home. just got word yesterday that my cousin was going to die anywhere from the next few hours till a few days. He's not taking visitors and i figure he's on enough morphine i understand why he wouldn't. His cancer has doubled in size putting pressure on his brain and causing some of his organs to crack open and bleed. So his internal bleeding is severe. he's spent the last day on blood transfusions trying to stop it. haven't heard from them today so... also in news for us i have a gal we know coming over to cleanse the house for us which should be nice... nothing else right now.. i. at least got out here and let people know i was alive. Current Mood: depressed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 5th, 2007
3:33 pm	Okay this is a random posting from a library in another state. Yay me. I'm sorry I never came back to tell everyone more about what all went on in Spain. Well you'll begin to understand why that has been pushed to the back of my mind and hopefully also why I haven't been posting much. Okay so once we got back from spain the first thing that happened was the fact that I got my first job ever. It was a decent enough job but not one to brag to much about. I got minimum wage and bad hours. But you know hey it was a job and my first one to boot. The people where terrible and i'm glad i was only seasonal. Sadly either way I ended up leaving before I could finish things out. In the midst of having a job... I got sick with a virus that wouldn't let up and the doctor basically put me on bed rest for two weeks and said frankly "don't go to work". They weren't very happy about it but not being able to breath and talk was pretty nasty. Then not but a few weeks after that the family got severe food poisoning. We all spent three days not moving from our spots but to vomit and shift around and moan because we were in so much pain. After that it was another three days of severe migraines that took us out of the picture for quite awhile. Life has just been insane. Next on the plate was dealing with everything that has been going on generally. My grandfather began to decline rapidly so my mother left her job and spent the last month or two here in oklahoma taking care of him in the nursing home. In January Andrew and I slipped out for a short while to spend a weekend in Branson for a break from the world for our anniversary. Everything went well up until we tried to leave. As we left we finally sat down to really talk about things that had damanged our relationship that we wanted to fix. After that the truth after 3 years of marriage finally came out. I found out that my Husband had cheated on me and after much screaming shouting hitting and crying we spent about a week in Branson. Spending the rest of our money on a hotel and begging Cox to allow my husband to keep his job. Thankfully we have managed to stay together with one another and love each other dearly. I have more understanding of who my husband was and that he is no longer that person but someone who has truly changed and does love me more than anything else. I have... more of an understanding and love for him than I ever realised. And seeing him cry his eyes out and practically wail for the agony that his actions caused and the fact that he wishes he could take everything back he shows me it will not happen again. Besides he knows i'll lop his head off if it ever occurs again. We still struggle but are managing better than before. Though sometimes we have to just stop and be together in each others arms and cry. The trip to get to branson had taken us 8 hours of driving on shear ice (only about a 5 hour drive) and the way back took almost as long for the fact that we had to keep pulling over to we could just hug one another and cry. No that all that is done the month of February has approached and more chaos and pain has envoloped my family. My mother had left my Grandfathers side to take a weekened break and come up to see us and just rest. The night she got in we got word that his condition had dramatically changed and by 6 the next morning my mother and myself were in a car headed the 3 hour drive back. It turns out the day my mother was gone he had ate that morning and seemed fine but by that night he was moaning and nearly screaming in bed. So... We got into town my grandfather spent the next day on large doses of morphine every two hours. We were unable to give him food or drink for almost two days and finally we found he had fully lost the ability to swallow for he asparated. In the next day his lungs filled with fluid at a startling rate and his general health declined just as quickly. At least he was comfortable. Exhausted that night we went to bed at a friend of a great-aunt's rented apartment. Saturday morning we got the word that he was hitting the all time low and his body was no longer pumping blood to his upper legs and lower torso. The good news was he was able to come off the painkillers and slept through the morning peacefully. At 11 o'clock he gave his final breath with my great-aunt at his side. We made it over from the apartment just 5 minutes to late. For the next few hours we sat over with few family coming over to see him before we took him to the mortuary. And the last few days have been us arranging things for the funeral and dealing with psychotic family and family politics to the point that we all are ready to rip our hair out and scream. Oh wait some of them have been physically doing that. So much shouting much nastiness but what is done is done. Things have been dramatic and hard to deal with lately. I've had bad dreams and have shared in the painful fits and agony that my grandfather went through. I know not many will understand that but It just is. I gave what I could. Sadly through all this there is still much talk about someone wishing bad things upon the family. I have had now after my grandfathers death some not so kind dreams and sights. I just hope one day soon we can find someone to help us along and understand. I Hope this family can make it through. I fear there will be much bad blood over all of this. Then again i think it is already to late to wish that, that wouldn't occur. Hurray for family fueds, no? Anyway I am sorry I haven't been letting people know whats going on or even having the time to stop in and look to see how others are doing. I hope i can be forgiven. Miss my friends out here. Pray for Us. And pray for my dear Grandfather. Even though we know he is in Heaven. May this family find Peace and Understanding. Current Mood: frazzled (1 Comment |Comment on this)